iNerd

So this is the very first (and very vapid) entry in this journal. Check back here daily to read the amusing anecdotes of my days, my musings on life in general, paranoid rants, and of course, quizzes telling me how white I am. Enjoy!De-tassles for my funeral! HIPP SKIPP! WHOOKAM!...The following deatils are to be stricly observed in the planning of my funeral in the event of my death. This document will serve as legal notice until a more legal document is forged. Keep in mind that the words herein represent my wishes; though they may not be my last, they are the most current. The funeral is to an extravegent colorful affair with speakers including anyone who has ever considered themselves my friend. My vital organs are to be removed and placed in sacred jars a-la ancient Egypt. These jars shall represent by way of visage a clown, a devil, a precious kitten, a rabid dog, Angus Young, a single eyeball floating on a stalk with a mustache, and any other variety of bizzare things that Tommy O, Pippi, or anyone else who feels like contributing can come up with. In the even that there are too many jars (as would be my want) my organs shall be divided into segments until all the jars have a piece of me in 'em. The following pieces of myself are to be excluded from the jars. My heart, which is to be laquered and given to Rowe Camp and Conference Center, by brain which is to be preserved similarly and given to the Concord Communtiy Music School, and the middle-finger of my right hand, which is to be unceremoniously hacked off and donated ceremoniously to the Derryfield School. My corpse is to be taken to the greatest taxidermist in the land and stuffed. The statue is to be arranged in the stuffed-bear position, so that it looks like a hunter shot me seconds before being pulled into my terrible maw! This statue is to be placed behind the speakers at the service on a raised dias. If there is nobody who is willing to actualy take my body to be taxidermified or for that matter, willing to perform the taxidermy itself, then a life-like statue is to be created and placed on the dias in the absense of my real corpse. At all times during the service there must be a bear-position statue of me behind the speakers at the service. Should my relatives decide that my real body must be buried and my body is not terribly disfigured (defined as still bleeding) then at precisely midnight, my body will be made to suddenly spring out of the casket with scary monster sounds being played behind it, followed my maniacle laughing. In addition to the organs and parts mentioned above, my penial and adrenal glands are to be removed, and the extract of them be taken out to make adrenachrome and penachrome which shall be placed in the punch at the reception. The reception shall take place open mic-style, where stand-up comics and songsters can perform their humorous odes to me. There shall be an extensive live set at the actualy funeral with a great many songs performed. Included in these shall be selected works of Bruce Springsteen (to include but not be limited to The River, Thunderoad, Born To Run, Backstreets, Atlantic City, Lost in the Flood, Growin' Up, Sandy, Spirit Of The Night which must be performed by someone calling themselves Booker-T, Independence Day, The Ties That Bind, Badlands, Racing in the Street, Adam Raised a Cain, Roselita, The Promise, and Fire) the most morbid works of Bob Dylan, a few compositions by Steve Vai (to include but be limited to For The Love of God, the Audience is Listening, and the Fire Garden Suite), the Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven, Leader of the Pack by the Shangri-las, [to rip off Rob gordon for a moment] a beutiful, tearful woman (NOT any blood-relation) is to sing Your The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me, Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones, Battery by Metallica, It's Time To Party by Andrew W.K., and brilliant super-comlimentary yet slightly mornful pop tunes that Aram can come up with (all of them), Hello Morning/Assasins by Lightning Bolt, My Ass is On Fire and Sweet Charity by Mr. Bungle, A Skull Full Of Maggots by Cannibal Corpse, 1/3 of Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music, Keep On Rockin' In The Free World by Neil young, Chickenshit Conformist by the Dead Kennedys, the themes from One Step Beyond and Cape Fear to be performed by Fantomas, Hit It and Quit It by Funkadelic, Maggot Brain by Funkadelic to be performed by Buckethead, Paradise City and It's So Easy by Guns n' Roses, and last but not least Rave Until Dawn by Extreme Animals. There are to be three clowns present at all times to make balloon animals for anybody who looks too sad. Also, there will be an open bar. The reception must feature real, pit-BBQ and some really good beer (preferably by Rogue Brewery or Berkshire Brewing Company; Guiness is a must). This is to be a red carpet event. I urge all my friends to participate in the planning of my funeral to make sure that there are things that they would enjoy. Remember I want everyone to enjoy themselves at this funeral so there must be an interperative dancer on stage to help hard-of-hearing audience members understand what is being said. If my celebrity status has grown to an extent that would warrent it, there is to be a parade down Pleasent Street in Concord, NH, where there will my a mock-up of me with a grotesque expression as if I had the world's worst hernia. I shall be made to wave at the crowd. There are to be prizes given during the service and reception, and there will be a dunking-booth which will contain members of the Fox News Team. Remember that there is to be nothing that I hate at this funeral unless otherwise specified in this document. I will relay on those O-men with empathic powers to determine if I would hate something. In otherwords, if this is to be held in a church of any kind I will have something to say about it, make no mistake. I also do not wish to be buried in a grave yard. I wish to be taken to the top of a very tall hill in New Hampshire on a beutiful fall or spring day and buried there. My grave marker is to be nothing fancy or ornimental, not a cross, but perhapse a star of David (just kidding) or maybe the horned-hand (deadly serious). I'll leave this one open to debate. Let this record show what the Hell I was thinking right now and let all details for my funeral go in accodance with my wishes.